Over the past few months, I have received many questions from Admirers,
Amputees, and folks that are curious. I have usually answered these questions
on an individual basis in my e-mail correspondence. Thoughtfully, I decided
that if one person is asking these questions, then others might also like
to have the answers, too. I strive to be open and honest about my amputation
and myself. This open attitude sometimes inhibits people from asking what
they really want to know. I hope that by my answering your questions,
you will feel more and more comfortable about yourself and about your
correspondence with me. I have learned so much about amputation, medical
resources, products, and adaptive devices from my Admirers. I thank you
for all of your help, support, and encouragement.
Warmest Wishes,
Ilean Rightleg
e-mail me
When and How did I Learn about Admirers/Devotees?
I first read the word “devotee” when I was trying to find amputee and prosthetics information. When I first saw the word “devotee”, I thought it was referencing the following of Eastern Religions such as what I was a bit familiar with being a “child of the late 60’s”. I did not have a clue, till reading further that it had anything to do with amputees. My first actual experience with devotees/admirers was at the ACA Conference in June ’99 in Reno, Nevada. A woman amputee sat next to me at one of the workshops. She pointed at a man and hissed through very clenched teeth, “He’s a devotee.” “Watch out for him!” I remember giving her a rather blank look and asked, “Why?” She then launched into a very bitter and scathing lecture about her perception of devotees. When she finally stopped and drew a breath, I informed her that I have been discriminated against for what I wear and how I look as a “biker”. Now that society views me as a “handicapped” person, I am also experiencing discrimination. I was not about to do that to someone else merely on her pronouncement, especially since I didn’t know her or the gentleman that she was referencing. Needless to say, she stomped off in a big huff and I did not see nor speak to her again for the rest of the Conference. This was all a very new experience to me. I had only been an amputee for 11 months. Several gentlemen came up and talked to me, asked if they could bring a cup of coffee over to the table, etc. Were they devotees? I have no idea. I thought and think that they were very kind and considerate people that were being helpful and courteous. I am highly identifiable as an amputee. It is not easy, I realize, for a person to be a Devotee/Admirer.
Can I Describe the Physical Sensations of My Amputation?
The muscle on the top of my
stump is not there. The only muscle remaining that allows me to move or
control my stump is on the back of the stump. This was a result of the
car amputating me. I do not know how a “normal” amputation is
usually carried out nor do I really want to know. My whole leg stills
feels like it is there. It just constantly has a “pins & needles”
sensation that never stops. I do not know if these feelings will ever
go away or if in time, I will stop feeling that my foot, leg etc. are
there. Right now is all I can tell you. I intellectually know that my
leg is gone, but my nervous systems still senses that the leg is there.
My foot itches sometimes and I know that it is gone. My stump does not
feel lighter. It feels again that the whole leg, weight of the leg, everything
is there. I do have to consciously use the back muscles to keep my stump
from just dangling, though. I try to do that by making the muscles pull
it back so that it helps me stand up straight and keep my back from twisting
forward and to the left.
What Does my Stump Feel Like to My Own Touch?
I feel with my fingers, my skin and remaining bone. The stump is numb and again with that “pins & needles” feeling, but I do feel my touch. The scar is ultra sensitive and not in a pleasant way. I do feel as if I am touching my whole leg and when I close my eyes as I am putting on lotion or stockings, I know it is my leg. Now matter how hot it is here in the desert, I usually always wear tights or pantyhose. This is even under my stretchy leggings or jeans or dresses. The pantyhose/tights seem to act as a compression bandage much like the “shrinker bandage” that was first issued to me when I was trying to get my stump to shrink to fit a prosthesis correctly. I usually only wear stockings like thigh highs or traditional stockings for special occasions or photos only. They are difficult to keep on the stump and to be truthful; garters up your ass are not pleasant to sit on.
Will My Stump Always Look Like It Does Now?
My amputation occurred by Camaro on July 20th, 1998. It will be coming up three years this summer. All the Doctors basically did was to patch me up and hope that I would live. I don’t think the issue was for the future at the time. Their concern was if I was going to survive and not come out with a toe tag on and be placed in the cooler. My stump has never shrunk like most amputees. Usually, it will shrink and begin to look something like a “picnic ham butt” for lack of a better description. I was told that I can have another surgery, and they would literally cut away all of the excess flesh and scar tissue that is internal around the remaining bone. I have already had two surgeries, the last being September 1998. This was to try and get the remaining muscle to stay attached to the bone so that I could get a prosthesis to fit and somewhat work. It was very painful and depressing to go through after I had already physically healed from the previous surgery. My stump will look and be what it is as I do not intend on having any more revision surgeries at this time and hopefully, will never have to have anymore.
Is Life as a One-Legged Woman Actually More Enjoyable?
This is a very interesting question that was posed to me. Life in general whether a person is disabled or able bodied is what you make of it. I know this sounds rather trite, but it is true. I should not have survived the extensive injuries, blood loss, etc from my accident. For whatever reason and due to the efforts of some amazing people, I did survive. Surviving is not living. When I came to, in the hospital and was told what happened, I made a decision to LIVE. I cannot do all of the things that I did before I was amputated and that at times is very frustrating because they are usually the simple tasks, such as getting on a ladder to change a light bulb, carrying a cup of coffee while walking, standing up to take a shower, wearing dresses with zippers or buttons in the back, etc. I have to ask for a lot of help that I never did before. That is very difficult for a strong, independent, and stubborn woman or person to do. I try to do as many of the activities that I did before. Probably the most important one to my being well adjusted to my life, as an amputee is that I can still ride and enjoy motorcycles. I now have to ride as a passenger, but I can ride and ride well. Most people think I am insane as that was the cause of the amputation, but when something has been so much a part of my life, I want and need it to still be part of my life. I would never wish or want anyone to go through what I have. I adapt me to the world and do not expect the world to change to fit me. That makes a big difference, I believe. 98% of life, no matter what the situation is POSITIVE attitude. I can only speak for myself and the way that I deal with life altering occurrences.
How do I Feel about Devotees?
I put a profile picture and some information about myself on the Internet about 8 months ago. I wanted to inquire and correspond with folks that were amputees or admirers of amputees about the idea of creating a devotee website unlike any other that I had seen or heard about. About 99% of the people that corresponded with me and that continue to correspond are very caring, encouraging and supportive people. There is the 1% in any community, whether it be bikers, church, amputees, school, restaurants, admirers/devotees that are assholes. Nothing that anyone does or says, would make these folks happy. I have received letters from amputees that are scathing and tell me that what I am doing is evil and that devotees are all deviants. I have received letters from devotees that are angry and want everything for free. These folks would bitch if they had a winning lottery ticket. I personally prefer the word “admirer” to “devotee”, although both words have a good connotation to me. I admire and respect a lot of people for a variety of reasons, just as I am devoted to my family and friends. I truly would not have taken on the task of learning web design, hosting a member web site and sharing my life and myself if it had not been for the overwhelmingly positive response from Admirers. My life was physically changed due to the amputation, but the positive impact on my mental health and well being now, I can definitely say has been in part a direct result of Admirers/Devotees. I sincerely thank you and welcome you into my life as you have invited me to be a part of yours. I was told by a dear friend, that almost all Admirers try to imagine what it would be like to live as an amputee. He said he and others have tried to do things one legged or one armed to experience a bit of what it must be like. I find that there is a great deal of empathy and curiosity, but in a good and positive way. I do not want pity as I am not pitiful. I am a fairly well adjusted and happy woman. I hope that through my acceptance of the attraction that you will continue to be supportive and feel welcome to share your thoughts and questions.
Does It Bother Me When Strangers Ask if They Can Help
Me?
This question was asked by my daughter, who had to also be my caregiver
for about 9 months after my wreck. I do not know what it is like to observe
someone that you love and care for be stared at by strangers because of
a very evident physical “impairment”. I am usually oblivious
to anyone’s stares unless they are so blatantly obvious. I am paying
attention to where I am walking because I have to watch every step I take
with the crutches. I use an electric cart provided by most large stores
when I shop. Most people get out of the way when they see one of those
things coming at them. I always appreciate it, when someone hands me something
that I cannot reach. I am grateful when someone opens a door for me, as
that is a difficult task to manage when I am on crutches and carrying
something, too. By and large, most people are very considerate without
hovering. I do not like someone hovering over me. I try to do almost everything
that I can for myself. It gives me a great sense of empowerment and self-reliance.
I also graciously accept help when it is warranted and needed. I do not
view myself as an invalid or as “disabled” in the classic sense.
I am physically slower now than I was before, but hey, “What’s
the hurry?”
Hugs,
Ilean